His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I wish there were birth control emojis
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
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