They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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