just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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