i was born a porn star she said
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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