Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
