I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
