My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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