did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
