Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
