Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
