in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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