Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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