Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
