just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize