it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You're like the curious george of whores
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
