I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
