sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Enjoy the penises
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize