you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
