apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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