i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
