bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
