The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
