Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
