WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize