just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Randomize
