I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
