i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
