Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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