I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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