Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
