Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
