I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
