i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
