I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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