i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize