the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
