My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
