so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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