so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
