so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
