highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
