hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
