I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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