Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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