I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Randomize
