Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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