at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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