Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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