When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
