I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Randomize
