and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
