Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
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