Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
